2009 Worst of Houston
Illustrations by Tim Dorsey Toilet Photo by Ariana Katechis
That dreaded time has come to call out the worst of the worst. While 2009 was a great year in many respects it was also a turdfest. But you have to call em’ like you see em’. The first step in solving a problem is identifying it and that's what we are here to do. Problem is, we all live in a glass house yet we must throw these stones. So we have taken the time to be introspective and call ourselves out just a little this year. Read up and enjoy.
Worst Portent for Montrose Residents The (Rapid) Commercial Decline of Lower Westheimer
In 2009, “Lower” Westheimer truly earned its name. A domino effect of failing businesses – starting with the venerable Felix and tumbling east to La Strada – turned the street into a wasteland that makes one question whether they might actually be in Detroit.
Only a year ago, this was the storied Restaurant Row, and we were still laboring under the delusion that Ruggles really was going to be “Re-opening Soon.”
In the time it took for Ruggles to finally catch fire instead of reopening, we saw the unceremonious shuttering of businesses like Austin Layne and Mary’s, and even chain joints like Hollywood Video and Taco Cabana. Those of us who live near those businesses soon got a taste of what happens when Lower Westheimer can’t get its groove back: shit gets broken into on an almost daily basis. Not a coincidence.
The triplex I live in had been unviolated for years, according to long-term residents. Yet, in the past month, one apartment has been successfully burglarized, with a second attempt made on it shortly thereafter. Tonight, someone walked right up my driveway and smashed the window on my shit car, only to discover that there was nothing in it to steal. (Why any moron would think they’d get something out of a 1997 Escort with a mismatched fender, I don’t know.) That makes three hits in one month on one property, after decades of peace. This is no fluke – I’ve seen too many flashing lights on my street in the past few weeks, so I know we’re not alone.
In a neighborhood where property values are insane, the neighbors are buying guns. Guns belong in the suburbs, not Montrose. This is not a good trend.
Please, support the businesses that are still alive here. Spend some cash at Mango’s, Numbers, Avant Garden. Speak up for the Westheimer Street Festival. And while you’re here, keep an eye out for the fucking assholes who keep busting up my house.
Amanda Wolfe
Worst Rental Lease Terms
Alabama Theater/Weingarten Reality
According to local lore, the lease on the historic Alabama Theater on Shepard, now up for rent, drawn up by Weingarten Reality, includes a clause in which new tenants must agree to never screen a movie inside the space. You might remember Weingarten as the focus of community activism surrounding their attempt to bulldoze the River Oaks theater. Why do you hate movies so much Weingarten—why would anyone write this into a rental contract? http://www.weingarten.com/retail/property/0552-001/
Tish Stringer
Worst of Haircuts
Supercuts
I recently decided to make my annual pilgrimage to Supercuts in the hopes of lopping off my “I don’t have a serious job” haircut. Instead of simply writing a few choice words on what transpired, I’ve instead decided to let the FPH readers in on the letter I valiantly taped to the salon’s door, a la Martin Luther.
Dear Supercuts Lady, I just wanted to take a moment and write you to let you know how much I appreciate the obvious style and grace with which you scissored, buzzed, and sculpted my head at your store earlier today. I can’t afford to go to a real hair stylist and even though I was surprised to find the “discounts” Supercuts advertise actually end up costing more than a haircut at the non-mega-corporation barbershop across the street, I thought “what the hey?” and decided to give you a whirl. Supercuts lady, to be fair, I should have known what I was getting myself into the second I walked into your store and saw you were the only “stylist” not cutting hair, even though there was a line of people waiting in the corner, all reading the dated magazines your store offers. It should have tipped me off you weren’t exactly the ace of your squadron when, after I told the receptionist I’d be more than happy to use whoever, you walked up and one of the guys waiting for another stylist gave me a telltale wink. Also a tip off- your name is Karla spelled with a K. I can just see me now- absentmindedly being ushered by you to the chopping block. Apparently when on the way you idly asked me what I’d like you heard, “Whatever
floats your boat, go wild, I dare you” as opposed to “A short trim, please.” The moxie with which you pushed me down in the chair was startling. I knew I was in for a treat, Supercuts lady, when you immediately whipped out your cell phone while hosing down my dome with that questionable liquid. The tales with which you began to regale your cousin Tania over your mobile were vivid and dramatic and even though I could only hear your side of the conversation through our entire exchange as you cut hair with one hand and held your cell in the other, I can only imagine Tania’s excitement when you spoke about your plans this weekend. Though I attempted to avoid eye contact with you for fear of throwing you off your mark, I knew I was in confident hands as you pushed my head this way and that while sporadically checking the ongoing results in the mirror. I trusted you, Supercuts lady, I had a job interview later on and knew you could make me look nothing but tasteful and professional. I do admit I was a bit scared as you became increasingly heated in your conversation when your cousin Tania brought up your ex-boyfriend. After all, you were wielding razor sharp scissors centimeters from my jugular. But thankfully you were professional enough to just simply walk away to the back of the store to give Tania your full attention while I waited patiently for five minutes. When you came back still on the phone and looked surprised to find me in your chair I knew you were only being coy. As you started back in on my haircut I noticed bunches of hair below my seat increasing in size to an alarming degree, like you were shaving a grizzly bear. However, my trust for you was ebullient, who am I to question your obvious ability? I noticed your impressive degree on the wall and though the name on it was Roger, I’m sure there’s an explanation. Perhaps you went to school with this person? When you explained after the last snip that the cut would look better when dry, I have to admit I was a bit skeptical. But really, I rarely go anywhere with wet hair so what’s the big deal? Apparently your creativity knows no bounds- when you asked if I wanted my sideburns trimmed and I said “mid ear,” you winged it, rendering the appearance of my face lopsided and freakish. I was a little embarrassed when everyone stared at me as I stood up to walk to the register. The man who had winked at me earlier was chuckling, but perhaps he was just thinking of something funny he had overheard you say to Tania. I paid the bill and acknowledged your forthrightness when you exclaimed “tips not included” while I fumbled with my wallet. Of course I’ll tip you, Supercuts lady, this haircut will look much better when it’s had a chance to dry. It wasn’t until I got in my car and looked in the rearview mirror that I realized you had rendered me into an abortive hybrid of a state trooper and Lloyd Christmas from Dumb and Dumber. So I just want to thank you Supercuts lady, for the time and effort you put into making me look like a goon. Pretty sure I’m not getting a callback from my interview as I doubt the company’s into the inbred pervert yokel look. Thanks again Karla! Steven Thompson
Worst trend of the year
Using "man" as a prefix
First it was the "man show" then came "man-caves," "man-tuaries," and "man-crushes." Now we have "man-tinis", "man-tea," "man-scara/ guy-liner/ guy-shadow," and the list just keeps growing. Nothing says "threatened identity and sexual insecurity" more than putting a masculine pronoun before the names of common household objects and alcoholic drinks. I’m just waiting for Madison Avenue to really get behind the idea and start marketing products to the guys whose definition of masculinity is so narrow, and their views on women so outdated, that they have to have a separate room in their house where they can drink beer and watch TV. Perhaps we’ll see the resurgence of the MANtle clock or a new awareness of the plight of the MANatees, but somehow I doubt it.
Alex Wukman
Worst Ad
Rocbar’s Fallen Rock Stars
Last March, quasi-Douchebag rock club the Rocbar advertised an evening comprised of music by ‘Fallen Rock Stars’. Harmless idea which would pay tribute to the many rock and rollers who have gone too soon. Problem: the flyer featured depictions of Morrison, Hendrix, Dimebag, Kobain, and Bob Dylan….yup Bob Dylan. Despite sounding dead, he is clearly not dead.
Omar Afra
Worst Graffiti Flaw
Lack of Creativity
Houston’s local Graff scene is a stagnant swamp. Seems like we have dozens of kids seeking out the Montrose as a Houston Graff mecca, only to provide it with sloppy tags plaguing the streets, just an eyesore nobody can read. Tell yall right now mayne, keep it simple, keep it straight. Who’z yalls audience? The old skool Graff heads? You aint stackin numbers in their books if yo shit aint readable. The general public?? The hardest audience to obtain? They’re repelled by scrawl and lack of creative display. Alot of trill-ass artists that have held down (and held together) the Houston Graff game for a long time, that have put their souls into their werk only to be thrown in the cesspool of the local Graff populous. Seems like your just waiti
ng for the next sanarchipot by someone that has already put in madd werk. Should think bout dat fo ya hit tha streets next time, playboy. Lack of creativity leads to the city offering us nothing. Almost no legal walls, limited businesses want their walls painted, and no city provided spots to speak of, as there are in so many other cities. Mickey Phoenix at Calico T-shirts is still one of the few who’s faith remains. Graff started to improve the glum outlook of the community... At the end of the line, tagger or piecer, baby it’s gotta look good. Do it big or don’t do it at all, mayne...86
Worst Mixed Metaphors
US Congressman Ted Poe (2nd District)
Congressman Ted Poe likes to deny the existence of climate change by reading whole Newsweek articles (from 1974) that told of the oncoming Ice Age. He also draws specious comparisons between everybody’s favorite jerk (and we’re not saying he’s not a jerk), Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad and carbon dioxide.
“The whole world has been watching what has taken place in Copenhagen, Denmark last week and this week. All the talk is about climate change and how man is affecting the climate,” Poe speechified in Congress on December 14, “but what we need in this world is a climate change in Iran. That's right. We need to change the atmosphere in Iran with what has taken place with the little man from the desert, Ahmadinejad...President Ahmedinijad is the pollution of the world, and we need change of climate in Iran.” Poe actually flubbed his speech at one point--he tripped over his own innuendo and explicitly called for “regime change...in...Iran...” Don’t you think we’ve already bitten off more than we can chew, Congressman?
Harbeer Sandhu
Worst Sports Moment
Rocket’s Injuries
Calling the fall of the most recent incarnation of the Houston Rockets an end seems almost insulting to all parties involved. Empires must control, and dynasties must rule. Regardless if the blame can be laid upon brazen spending, recurring back problems or the inability of a few men to “will” their teams to victory, the Rockets of the 2000’s could hardly have been called anything other than a failed attempt to capitalize on a winning formula; still, the final demoralizing loss of Yao Ming for a season in which the Rockets could have progressed on a level of success that had not been seen in a decade truly signaled the death knell of the McGrady-Ming experiment.
There should have been no experiment, though. Can’t miss with the big man/do-it-all perimeter player combo. The NBA and Houston alike had all just seen the juggernaut that was the early 00’s Los Angeles Lakers, relying on two men with remarkable gifts and a brilliant coach to make up for an otherwise spotty lineup and seeing three consecutive titles as the outcome. Kobe Bryant and Tracy McGrady were compared endlessly in the years leading up to McGrady’s move to Houston; while the seemingly svelte Chinese man may have lacked the sheer gravity and girth afforded to Shaquille O’Neal, Yao and his myriad talents around the basket would mesh more fluidly with McGrady, whose brilliance rested in his need to handle the ball. The Rockets had picked up defensive ace Jeff Van Gundy as head coach the year before McGrady’s arrival. The formula had been unimaginatively matched to a T, as if conceived by under-informed sports columnists, and almost on cue, the Rockets became a trendy pick by those same sportswriters to win the conference and even NBA championships for a few years.
The rest reads like the autopsy of a NBA team. Playoff failure, broken back, broken leg, more playoff failure, broken foot, broken knee, slightly less painful playoff failure, knee surgery, shock of somewhat success, broken foot. The story’s repetitive and brutal, but never unexpected. So, as Yao Ming limped off the Toyota Center floor in Game Three of the Western Conference Semifinals, the few Rockets fans possessing the wherewithal to sit through these years of carnage could not scream, but sigh at another failed run, another fractured bone. The scene was tragic, without a doubt, but this tragedy had played out for a very long time, well into its fifth act.
That broken foot spawned the Rockets seen today to go 2-2 against a soon-to-be NBA champion Laker team and probably better cemented this team’s current identity than any other single moment. But there was a death in the midst of all of this newly found sentience, and the Rockets of Yao and Tracy no longer exist. Though the big man may find his way back to dominance and a specter wearing number three that looks awfully familiar can be found floating around the three-point line occasionally, their time passed, as predictably as it started.
Jacob Mustafa
Worst Tabouli
Anglo-Tabouli
Stop making Tabouli white, people. All of you. Why do you use more cracked wheat than parsley? On that note, there is no such thing as Israeli Couscous.
Omar Afra
Worst Closed Door in Houston
KPFT 90.1
In his cosmic cowboy days in the mid 70’s, my father helped turn a 1915 house into something suitable out of which to broadcast radio. The Mighty 90 at 419 Lovett quickly became the heart of the Montrose where you could just walk right in and get anything you want. And because KPFT has given us a diversity of ideas, a wide range of music, and a sense of community, my family has given our time, energy, and money to KPFT whenever we could. When they first began broadcasting in 1970, my mother was there cold-calling for donations (as it was done then). As a teenager in the 80’s, I spent a good amount of time hanging out with DJs and answering phones during fund drives. I saw all sorts of people come in off the street seeking shelter or the company of others like themselves.
Even though KPFT had dealt with violent acts perpetrated against them by nutjobs from the get-go (e.g. KKK dynamited their transmitter twice, arsonists burned their record storage, a conspiracy theorist brandished a shotgun on their property), it was not until 2007, when a bullet pierced a window and came within inches of hitting a radio host, that their open-door policy came to a close. I have encountered their new security measures first hand a couple of times in the past year. Introducing a newly arrived resident to the more culturally relevant establishments of our fair city, we were admitted entry after being screened by the intercom and camera, regulated to a 8’ x 8’ section of the lobby with 3 pair of eyes scanning our every movement, and interviewed as to our purpose. We left with some bumper stickers. While distributing flyers throughout the neighborhood inviting all-comers to a National Night Out event down the street, I tried to use the opportunity to show my son the radio station his grandfather helped build. As far as we got was passing a flyer through a door that would possibly be posted on a bulletin board that few eyes would ever see.
Duane Bradley, KPFT General Manager, had recognized the philosophical dilemma in instituting the closed-door policy. I would never want a hair on any of the staff members’ or volunteers’ heads come to any harm, but, in light of such progress as an African-American president and a lesbian mayor, I think it’s high time for KPFT to let the community back in. Mr. Bradley, open that damn door!
Jerod Smith
Worst Neighbors
Self-Righteous Suburbanites
I know it's a common complaint, but there seems to be nothing to address this concern. There needs to be a contractual agreement for people who decide to move from the burbs to reside in the Montrose area that states:
"I understand that by relocating to the City of Montrose, I will become a resident of an area that is renown for its music and art scene, and should I decide to move to a neighborhood that borders an entertainment venue, and should my residence be within hearing range of the musical entertainment from said venue, I will refrain from harassing the business by filing daily noise complaints with the police, or impeding their customers by harassing the city to put no parking signs around the entire block.
"I also understand that there will be street festivals in which the streets will be closed down so that the thousands of attendees will be able to enjoy a safe festival, and that any petty objections to the revelries is harmful to the community as a whole. There will be trash, there will be drunk people, and there will be noise all day and late into the night. However, not only is the revenue generated by vendors and area businesses from festival patrons economically stimulating, the recognition garnered by showcasing the talent that hails from Houston benefits not just Montrose, but our city as a whole.
"Should I be found in violation of any of these terms I will be ousted from my home by an angry mob of hipsters and shipped to Dallas."
Andrea Afra
Worst Deal on a Used Hate Machine
Gene Locke
We can now stop wondering whether or not Gene Locke knew that his campaign finance was paying Republican Homophobe nutjobs like Steve Hotze to send out anti-gay junk mail to thousands of Houston voters. We can stop wondering because Annise Parker won anyway, in a satisfying repudiation of this city's worst political tendencies. The big question now: how Locke proposes to get a single democrat this side of the 3rd ward to ever trust his opportunistic ass again.
M. Martin
Worst Drink Prices
House of Blues
21 bucks for 2 drinks. Fuck off. I don’t care who is playing.
Omar Afra
Worst Local Resident
Conrad Curray- MJ’s “Doctor”
It sort of hurts your standing as a metropolis when your town’s most infamous denizen is none other than that crazy doctor who gave Michael Jackson all those drugs. Jackson’s cardiologist, a man named Conrad Curray who hails from our great city, was all over the covers of every newspaper and website this summer for giving Michael Jackson enough medication to put a small village in a coma. From what I can surmise from the minimal research I bothered to put into it, Dr. Curray was essentially hired by the Jackson clan from some one stop pill shop located above a Laundromat to write prescriptions for whatever Michael wanted. To say the doctor’s past is checkered with some financial and personal problems is like saying Tiger Woods likes strange. This summer on the front page of the Houston Chronicle they gave a timeline of the medications administered to Michael the day he died. Unless Dr. Curray got confused and thought he was trying to put down an elephant who accidently ate 10 pounds of crystal meth, there’s a pretty good chance he’s one of the worst doctors ever. It was reported this winter he is actually practicing medicine again in Houston. Super.
Steven Thompson
Worst Timing for a Major Political Announcement
Bill White
Hundreds of people had signed up to attend departing mayor Bill White's formal announcement for a run at the Governor's Mansion when a very strange thing happened: Large white flakes of a mysterious substance later identified as frozen water--sometime referred to as "snow"-- began to fall from the sky. Perhaps as much as half an inch of this mysterious substance accumulated on the ground, paralyzing the city and setting off a wave of hysteria, as citizens everywhere attempted to create oblong snowballs and call then snow men. Even so, a few hardy souls showed up anyway to watch Mayor Bill announce his intention to try to trade up to "Governor Bill". After the back-to-back disgraces of George Bush and Rick Perry, it doesn't seem very likely that an actual human being might have a chance at governing Texas...but hell, it snowed in Houston--anything's possible.
M. Martin
Worst Bathroom
Mango’s/Numbers
The great cosmic joke is that these bathrooms are about 1/8th of a mile from each other meaning you can visit the 2 worst bathrooms in town in under 20 minutes. Poop at one and piss at the other? Mango’s bathroom gets the nod for it’s poorly done whiteboy graffiti, ‘inconsistency’ in toilet functionality, and a general eeriness in the cramped space. Numbers just has poop on the ceilings.
Honorable Mention- Walter’s on Washington (Does anyone know anyone who has been murdered in there?)
Omar Afra
Worst Last-Minute-Three-Pointer-From-Half-Court Attempt
US Congressman John Culberson, (7th District)
Congressman John Culberson, a long-time opponent of the Metro light rail University Line, made a last ditch effort to derail the train construction by sending a 14-page letter saying he is convinced that Metro can’t afford it to the Federal Transit Authority on December 8. Fortunately, the FTA informed Metro less than a week later that plan was chugging along into the Preliminary Engineering phase. The University line will stretch from the UH/TSU area to the Galleria and connect with the Main Street line.
Harbeer Sandhu
Worst Excuse for Public Transportation
The Washington Wave
Houston has perhaps the worst public transportation system of any major US city. We desperately need more bus routes, light rail routes, commuter options and most of all, safe bicycling options. Instead of the above we now have a new “Jitney” service running up and down Washington to shuttle drunk suburban socialites from one new crappy bar to another. What is this, The Philippines? If you are going to call it a Jitney, at least have the balls to decorate the thing like a proper jitney instead of a bus for special kids; but then again, those douchebags infesting Washington these days are pretty “special”.
Tish Stringer
Worst Professor
Professor O'Brien in the University of Houston History Department
The worst professor in the entire city of Houston is Thomas O'Brien in the University of Houston History department. At first glance, he might appear to be a valuable asset to the university -- a tenured Moore's professor who teaches multiple courses on topics such as Western Civilization, the History of the CIA in the Third World, and Pirates and Smugglers. He would truly be a great educator if it weren't for the fact that he uses his position to extort money from his undergraduate students. He clearly violates the code of ethics for both university faculty and Texas government employees by requiring not only that each student buy his book, but that they use that book (or pay a $40 fee) to gain access to his quizzes. Every student at UH pays a sizeable technology fee for the WebCT infastructure already, but O'Brien has been charging this surreptitious backdoor fee to guarantee astronomical royalty revenue for years now. His tenured status and closeness with those in the Liberal Arts and Social Science College has allowed him to get away with this, despite his explicit violation of numerous statutory codes. The best efforts of his students, the Student Government, and other professors have gone unheard. His unethical behaviors have reverberated throughout the university and stained the institution for all that educate and attend. For charging corrupt tribute payments for educational access, Thomas O'Brien is not only a scumbag, slimeball, and embarassment to UH, but 2009's Worst Professor in Houston.
Will Barrett
Worst Gentrification
Washington Avenue
For all the DWIs, drunken brawls, and general douchebaggery, this second coming of the
Richmond Strip deserves its place among Houston's Worst of 2009. Despite a decent restaurant or two, sports bars and self-important clubs have taken over what used to be an interesting, diverse part of the city. It says a lot about what people in Houston consider important when a long stretch of road littered with bars doesn't include a single live music venue--and the one that's been there since before you'd even consider walking around the area at night (Walter's On Washington) is finally succumbing to the gentrification and is planning to move. While places like Catalina Coffee and A-Front keep hope alive, the stretch from Memorial Park to Sawyer is pretty much a total wash.David A. Cobb
Worst Cell Service Provider
AT&T
The iPhone may be simple to use and has countless applications that do everything from counting calories to making obnoxious farting noises. However, 50% of the time in Houston, my iPhone is simply a useless, streamlined work of art sitting in the cup holder of my car. Countless times I have driven through Memorial Park, which is indeed a wooded oasis. However, it's location, smack dab in the middle of a large metro area, leads me to believe that cell service should be pristine. Yet I find myself constantly asking, "Can you hear me now?" Those 3 beeps are my answer. "Call failed." My iPhone appears to be proud of itself and now I'm just an idiot driving around talking to no one. I'd like to trap the CEO of AT&T Wireless on the 9th green of Memorial Park and stone him with golf balls and bask in his futile calls for help. Do you think there's an app for that?
Mills McCoin
Worst Sunday Night Happy Hour
RA Sushi
Do NOT consider RA Sushi to wrap up your Sunday Funday. Sure it sounds like a great concept, however, in reality, it is only a great if you enjoy expensive valet parking, a 2 hour wait, ridiculously loud rap and the worst people you can imagine. Their clothes alone would embarrass Ed Hardy himself. I'm not sure where said people come from; I assume they are bussing them in from a 979 area code. The music is offensively loud and I actually once witnessed two Texans-jersey-wearing grown men sharing a fishbowl-sized blue cocktail. The food is okay, but the atmosphere is crowded and these are not people you want to be touching. Follow the dragon shirts and their douche cars to another locale!
Jill Ford
Worst Collaboration by a Real Estate Agency and Corporate Giant to Make Houston Ugly
Weingarten Realty and Barnes and Nobel Bookstore
Weingarten Realty owns approximately 51% of Houston, which makes them feel like they can be total jerks to everyone else that lives here. They own both the River Oaks Shopping Center, and the Alabama theater, both built in the 1930's and examples of Art-Deco style that was popular at the time. Despite being some of the only examples of this architectural history of the city and country, Weingarten seems to be trying pretty hard to get them both demolished and turned into strip malls. When the Alabama theater closed in the eighties, it was eventually refurbished by Book-Stop, which was bought out by Barnes and Noble. This year, Weingarten ripped down part of the river oaks shopping center to build a new Barnes and Noble store. Barnes and Noble then decided to close the Bookstop inside the Alabama theater, and open up in their new building. While the Alabama location had the problem of being a unique and creative adaptation of a historical building that preserves Houston's history, The new location at Shepherd and West Gray has the asset of looking like a every other Barnes and Noble anywhere in the world, that is, a large box. Bit by bit, Weingarten will continue in their noble mission to make the whole city look like a giant strip mall.
Rob Block
Worst Bag of Shit Awards Process
94.5 Buzz Awards
This awards list is rife with a Who’s Who of shit mook rock bands. The nominations reads like the weekly schedule at Scout bar which is coincidentally the place which hosts the awards ceremony. Band names like ‘Saturate’, ‘Negative 263’, and ‘38 Caliber Hero’ scar the ballot.
Omar Afra
Worst Local Media Coverage of Houston’s (Currently) Most Successful Sports Team
Houston Dynamos
If Mike Jones’ Houston Dynamo (Don't Play) is the “official” Houston Dynamo anthem then I nominate Aretha Franklin’s Respect as their “unofficial” anthem. Soccer awareness is strengthening in our city but you would never know judging by the amount of TV and print coverage the Dynamo receives in comparison to our other major sports franchises. This is a particularly jagged pill for soccer fans to swallow since our team is the only team to have won trophies in this decade. What have our other teams accomplished? The Astros…please disperse, nothing to see here. The Texans…do I even need to go there? The Rockets…undeniably the second most successful sports team but is plagued by injuries and a sloppy season thus far.
Since their relocation to H-Town in 2006, the Dynamo has won two back to back MLS Cup championships, made the quarterfinals in 2008 and the semi-finals in 2009. How come the most media coverage the Dynamo can garner is when David Beckham and his perfectly sculpted coif decide to grace our presence at Robertson? Ok, we all know the answer to that question… but it still doesn’t make it right. Also not right is burying front page deserving articles in the back of the Chronicle next to columns about high school sports. And who does a sister have to blow for the Dynamo to receive more than ten seconds of air time on most local TV sports segments? After the Dynamo defeated the Seattle Sounders to advance to the semi-finals, I tuned into the local news for highlights and recaps. Unfortunately for me, I blinked and missed it. Come on Houston, we have a sports team that is hard working, talented and actually wins…. YOU BETTER RECOGNIZE!
To all the haters who will, predictably, opine that no one cares about soccer because it’s low scoring, boring, not a real sport, blah blah blah. Let me save you some time… here's a quarter, call someone who cares.
Anna Garza
Worst of Houston Anarchists
Almost all of them
If you are still retaining your "anarchistic" and "anti-authoritarian" credo of "Fuck the system, bring it all down, destroy everything", you obviously haven't learned anything about anarchy. Being anti-authoritarian means that if "The Man" or "The Oppressor", whoever that may be, is dishing out something to you, you question their intentions and motives, and bring light to the discrepancies. Well, news flash, "Authority" these days makes a bigger mess than any Anarchist ever could or will. "The Man" is dropping all of his old techno-shit into areas of India and the rest of the world deemed environmentally hopeless. BIG FUCKING MESS. If you were truly "anti-insert here", you would be the guy helping clean up at the end of the party, you'd be the guy not encouraging the destruction of locally-owned business' by writing all over everything (POOR grafitti at that!) or throwing your beer bottles everywhere you stand. Some PERFECT examples of Anarchy (in its TRUE anti-authority form) are folks like Fernando from Cop Warmth and Tom from DISSENT. These two cats make a bigger mess, and bring more destruction to wherever they perform or just arrive, that they could be considered health and environmental hazards. However, at the end of every DISSENT or Cop Warmth show, you will see these two picking up every shard of paper, beer bottle, or wasted flyer they or their crews have dropped. ANARCHY IS ALIVE AND WELL, JUST STEP IT UP--WE'RE MOVING INTO 2010, DOESN'T ANYONE REMEMBER DEMOLITION MAN?!Shelby Hohl
Worst Deliverer of Change as Promised by a Harris County Elected Official
Adrian Garcia
Adrian Garcia ran for Harris County Sheriff as a reform candidate, promising to shake up the system and end the continuing scandals and human rights abuses that had been endemic under the administration of his
opponent Tommy Thomas. He promised professionalism and respect. Garcia said he would review Thomas' plan to join the 287(g) agreement with the federal government, an agreement made famous by Joe Arpaio of Phoenix Arizona, that allows local enforcement to enforce immigration law, and local taxpayers to foot the bill for a federal responsibility. Garcia's implication that he would review the program and was not excited about it lead immigrant rights advocates to volunteer heavily and block walk for his campaign. Once elected, Garcia's review of the 287(g) program resulted in his recommendation to the Harris County Commissioners to approve the program for a 3 year contract, which they did by a vote of 4 to 1. This program is such a bad idea that you don't have to look very far to find someone who will speak out against it. Care to comment Chief of Police Harold Hurtt? “Immigration enforcement by local police is counterproductive to community policing efforts. It undermines the trust and cooperation of immigrant communities, could lead to charges of racial profiling, and increases our response time to urgent calls for service,” A statement Hurtt made in Washington DC while serving as Houston's chief of police.
Beyond championing racial profiling and anti-immigrant hysteria, Garcia is proposing the construction of a new jail with more than 2,000 beds at the cost of more than a quarter billion dollars (in the middle of a recession, which does not include the costs to staff it). Such a proposal was one of the propositions presented to harris county voter in 2007 and it was the only one of six to be voted down.
Tommy Thomas was clearly a terrible human being; the Harris County jails under his watch were found to be unconstitutional for systematic violations of the human rights of folks locked up there, his systematic
surveillance and harassment of the Ibarra brothers resulted in a 1.7 million dollar settlement (our tax dollars) being paid out to them for unlawful arrest and destruction of property. So far, Adrian Garcia has
largely avoided systematic violations of human rights and lawsuits, but it would be great if he could set the bar a little higher to include not pandering to racists and not trying to build new jails when the voters had
explicitly said they don't want that.
Rob Block
Worst Political Misjudgment
Roy Morales running for Mayor of Houston
On paper it seemed like it could work: a pro-business, Conservative Hispanic candidate who doesn’t believe in global warming forges a coalition from the Tea Party movement and the growing Hispanic voting bloc to victory. Boy was he wrong. Apparently someone forgot to tell him that most of the people who are going to vote in a Houston mayoral race aren’t the ones who show up at Tea Party protests and that the ones who do show up at Tea Party events aren’t the type to work with Hispanics to build a winning coalition. Instead he winds up a distant fourth and we get the first openly gay mayor for any city over 2 million people. Perhaps if Morales had tried to run for Harris County Pct. 4 Commissioner against Jerry Eversole he could have won. Hell, anyone could run against Eversole and win. For those of you who don’t pay attention to politics Jerry Eversole was indicted 15 years ago by a Grand Jury for campaign spending violations and exposed two years ago by Channel 13 for getting paid by Harris County without actually going to work.
Alex Wukman
Worst Way to Spend Your Day
Waiting in Line at a Houston DPS Office
Show me the efficiency of your locally operated DPS facilities and I'll show you what your citizens are made of. If this is the case, then Houston is made up of a spineless people with endless spare time and patience. I think if there was a way to sell your soul instead of having to stand in line waiting for a new driver's license, Joel Osteen's congregation would triple in size. The fact that there is not a centralized DPS location is the first blatant symbol of the system's failure to meet our needs. Two of the seven local DPS offices are currently closed at the time of writing this and not one of the locations are ever fully or competently staffed to serve the population. A simple phone-in appointment hotline, much like the one the expedited passport office provides, would allow one to set a convenient time and date to show up without having to take a paper number and sit for hours, dignity slowly waning, in the institutional plastic torture devices they call 'chairs', hoping above all hopes that the Rapture takes place and numbers 18 through 184 ahead of you are all conservative Protesants.
PLEASE file a complaint about DPS- Survey: http://www.survey.utexas.edu/txdps/
DPS Customer Relations Representatives: Mimzie.Herklotz@txdps.state.tx.us (512) 424-2600
Andrea Afra
Worst Campaign Plank of Gene Locke
More cops on the street
I live in a predominately African-American neighborhood where we got campaign materials from Gene Locke and Peter Brown delivered to our door. I saw no evidence that Anise Parker made any effort to reach out to people in our neighborhood. So that seems like it would benefit Locke, except that the promotional strategy of Locke seemed to be “Look at me! I like cops, I will flood your neighborhood with lots and lots of cops.” It lists the top endorsement as the Houston Police Officers Union (the union that primarily works to defends every cop who beats or kills people), higher than Harris County AFL-CIO, higher than congress people and former mayors. He lists three major areas he will focus on: public safety (with a picture of police cars) economic development, and quality of life. It does mention education in a roundabout way “He will expand neighborhood policing and work to reduce criminal activity among our youth by keeping kids in school and off the street.” The lack of educational and job opportunities for young people has a solution. That solution appears to be law enforcement.
Locke working with anti-gay jerkwad Steven Hotze and appealing to homophobia is probably more disgusting, but being really really tight with HPD (the law enforcement agency whose tazer victims are 67% black, despite them only composing 25% of Houston's population), seems like a poor strategy in getting enthusiastic support from african american communities and the rest of us that are not fans of law enforcement.
Rob Block
Worst Houston Thai Massage Parlor
The Foursome on Winrock
This may come as a shock to some of you... but don’t go to just ANY Thai massage parlor, my friends. Treat yourself with some sense of respect. But that’s enough of me discussing morals and hygiene.
There’s a lagoon of “massage parlors” at the south end of Winrock in West Houston. One of them is appropriately named “CLINIC”, which I suppose would be the most sanitary of the four “massage parlors.” But as a collective, these are the worst massage parlors in Houston for two reasons. One, at the north end of Winrock (which might be a one mile in length) lies a monster known as Second Baptist Church. This is particularly unfortunate if you are a church-goer, as you might feel something called “guilt” by getting a rub n’ tug so close to “home.” The second reason is that this specific corral of sex dispensaries is heavily trafficked by Houston’s finest, HPD. My personal assumption is that these officers are simply sitting in the parking lot and waiting until no one is looking... if you know what I mean. In any case, it would be a little strange to be greeted by a cop as you’re leaving a brothel. “Good evening, officer.” “There’s nothing to see here, sir. Please move on.” “Are you kidding? That girl’s face is handcuffed to your cock!”
Mills-McCoin
Worst Thing to Happen to the Gay-berhood
Closing of Mary’s
The iconic Montrose Gay Bar closed its doors in October a victim of rising rent and unpaid taxes. The alternative lifestyle institution had been there for over 25 years and its closure came just weeks before the election of Houston’s first openly gay mayor, a revolution that wouldn’t have been possible if there hadn’t been a bar that was Here and Queer and forced people to get used to it. During the ‘80s, when AIDS was a plague and not something kids learn about on South African Sesame Street, Mary’s became a last resting place and living memorial for those who died from what many thought of as "the gay cancer." Houston’s LGBT caucus is working to get the names of everyone who had their ashes scattered on Mary’s patio and some factors in the group are working to get the bar protected as a historic building.
Alex Wukman
Worst Pad Thai
Khun Khay Thai Café
Mayonnaise in Pad Thai? No bueno. This re-invention of The Golden Room on Montrose focuses on ‘fast food Thai’ and they knock it out of the park on many dishes including the mock duck. But the Pad Thai is an exercise in expedience and mayonnaisey creamy mess. Think Ramen noodles with a hefty helping of Hellman's. Yuck.
Omar Afra
Worst Houston Sports Team
The Houston Astros
After reading this entry, if you disagree with anything I’ve written or you’re holding out your opinion until you find corroborative research- then look no further than Forbes magazine.
Drayton McLane, Jr. (the semi-proud owner of our beloved Houston Astros) actually has more money than George Steinbrenner (the retired owner of the New York Yankees). You can debate this if you like, but you’ll inevitably lose the the argument. It can be said that the New York Yankees organization purchased its 2009 World Series Championship by signing all of the top free agents during the prior off-season. And I don’t think a lot of baseball fans would disagree with you. As well, I think the idea of “purchasing” a World Series-winning team is distasteful and removes the quality of competition from the sport. But who cares? I’m talking about the fucking New York Yankees.
Where McLane fails constantly as the owner of the Astros is in his management of the team’s farm system. McLane has developed a reputation for drafting players and NOT SIGNING THEM. He’ll pay max dollars for over the hill veterans (i.e. Miguel Tejada, Roger Clemens, Andy Pettitte, etc.) but McLane refuses to open his purse for the future of HIS baseball team. What does this suggest to me? This refusal to spend money on the future tells me that Drayton McLane, Jr. is looking to SELL THE HOUSTON ASTROS. I love propaganda.
The Runner-Up award goes to the Houston Texans for raising ticket prices by 3.7% in an economic downturn just because they can.
Mills McCoin
Worst of Houston Mass Transit Systems
Bicycle Lanes
This, to some, may seem like a dead horse, however it's becoming dead or injured kids and pedestrians. In FPH July 2009, Shiraz Ahmed wrote a glorious article detailing the availability of mass transit via bicycles. In the article Ahmed states, "...1,200 cyclists commute to the Texas Medical Center everyday. Between 1998 and 2000, over a fourth of Texas's bicycle crashes occurred in and around Houston." This has not changed, as just this morning I was notified that a friend of mine had been hospitalized by a garbage truck in the Montrose area of Houston. Now, correct me if I'm wrong but, one thing we all live/move into the downtown/Montrose area for is an easier, less carbon-based commute to work or any destination, right? However, all I see happening is Mandell, near the West University area, under heavy construction for the last several months (and NO other streets). I hope they have Bike Lane paint in the back of all of those City of Houston trucks parked all over the white, newly-paved Richmond/Mandell intersection. Looking down Westheimer near the Dunlavy intersection, you have rows of cars practically un-moved, and parked on the inbound lane of traffic spanning from Hazard all the way to Mandell. I had actually forgotten that Westheimer was four lanes! Last time a car was left unattended where the owners OBVIOUSLY had no intention of moving it, the vehicle was towed under the guise of "abandonment". Rosenkavalier, #1, and all the rest of you on that side of Westheimer that allow this are, in fact, removing the only area cyclists would potentially have to ride if they needed to take to the street. REMEMBER, it is technically illegal for cyclists to ride on the sidewalk. Richmond is what, 6 lanes?! Sounds like a great place for a bike lane if you ask me! West Alabama, a lane in the middle of the road so the Admiral Linen Co. can make comfortable 3-point turns. Nice. Don't you think that lane would serve a greater purpose being split into two opposing bike lanes? With all the changes being made to our road and transit system on our dime, one would like to think that our "progressive" city would move towards catering to a reduction of a carbon footprint. We need cyclists in our city like asthma needs an inhaler. We have a horribly polluted "skyline" as a result of our ports, we push for "BIGGER" things in Texas, including vehicles, meaning more Hummers and F350s. If you have any conscious or intelligence AT ALL, you will beg for cyclists to ensure your children and grandchildren don't come out with 3 arms, 9 eyes, and respiratory infections. We're your only hope.
Shelby Hohl
Worst Waste of a Writer
Alex Wukman
Every year we do a similar category, or a variation thereof, and almost every year it goes to a reporter at the Houston Chronicle or Wayne Dolcefino. However, this year I need to face the facts. I dropped the ball. I was so busy commuting, drinking 843 Lone Stars, and going about my life that I failed to provide you, the readers of this paper, with the information required to make informed decisions about your daily lives. I failed my audience and my art. I didn’t do any articles on the mayoral race, I didn’t pay close enough attention to how your tax dollars are being spent, I didn’t let you know about who your elected officials are taking money from, I didn’t report on what the Texas Legislature was doing in Austin and I didn’t provide you information about resources you could have used to survive the worst economic climate in generations.
While I did provide interesting articles about Houston's history, electric car community and a recap of the problems at BARC, my writing this past year was not only irrelevant to the serious discussions necessary in the City of Houston and the State of Texas it was uninspired and uninspiring. None of my articles were the type of writing that you the readers expect, and deserve, from me. I will take responsibilty for turning in luke warm articles and offer the only explanation I can: I was instructed that if I do the type of journalism that you deserve I have been told that I will lose my job by my other employer. I let my fear of being unemployed compromise my integrity, and in that I failed you. I am sorry for that and I will not let it happen again.
Alex Wukman
posted by Free Press Houston @ 11:21 AM
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